


Thankful

by Singerme



Category: Gunsmoke
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2014-11-21
Packaged: 2018-02-26 11:13:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2649974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Singerme/pseuds/Singerme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's funny what you find yourself thankful for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thankful

**THANKFUL**

I don’t own these characters. I just like to spend time with them. No other profit to be had.

**_THNKSGVNGTHNKSGVNGTHNKSGVNG_ **

“How are you feeling?” She asked the shrunken figure in the bed as she came in. “Doing okay? Huh?” He looked up blankly at her for a moment before recognition sank in and he offered a wan and fleeting smile before his focus again faltered.

Brushing thinning gray hair from his face, she bent down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead with a smile that touched her lips but not her eyes. “I talked to your doctor before I came in here today. He said you’re doing fine.” She watched his face, hoping for some sign of comprehension but none seemed to be forthcoming.

As she moved around the side of the bed, straightening his covers, he watched her intently but he offered no words. He was fairly incapable of that now. Though he was still there, physically, his mind was more and more absent, gone to some place more pleasant for him.

The doctor had warned her that it would be like this. “He’s fairly competent right now, Miss Russell.” He’d told her when she’d first arrived. “But before long he’ll not be able to interact much at all with you. He’ll respond, but his responses will be slow. And often you’ll have to remind him to do even the simplest of things, like chew when there’s food in his mouth or swallow once he’s chewed it. He is deteriorating rapidly. I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time.”

“Will he know who I am?” She’d asked, afraid he wouldn’t.

“Right now, of course.” Then the doctor shrugged. “But as his condition deteriorates more and more, and it will very quickly, that recognition will slip. By the end, maybe not.”

Kitty had nodded, thanked him, and with poker face firmly in place, turned and entered his room.

That had been 10 days ago and she’d been there most of every day since, taking very few breaks for her own personal needs. What she was doing was hard, especially as she was doing it alone, but she refused to allow a stranger to take over his care anymore than she had to. He was her responsibility, no one else’s.

At first, it hadn’t seemed so bad. Forced into cordiality by circumstance, they made polite chit chat and caught up with each other’s lives since they’d last been together. Carefully, they avoided that last time on the boardwalk in front of the stage office. No reason open old wounds this late in the game. Nothing could be gained by that.

But all too soon, his condition worsened and after only a couple of days, he began to lose the ability to move much on his own and then his speech left him and now, just seven days after she’d arrived, he could only communicate with her by simple gestures and the occasional eye movement.

“Would you like some water?” She asked him.

A slight nod was the only indication that he did. Gently, she lifted his head and then held the cup to his lips, watching while he swallowed the liquid, making sure he didn’t choke. When he pursed his lips and refused another sip, she laid his head back down and put the cup back on the small bedside table.

“Would you like me to read to you some more tonight?” She made certain to keep her tone light and easy. No pain, or grief, or anything else of that nature, would she allow herself to show.

He offered no reply and she expected none but when his eyes flickered to the book on the bedside table, she picked it up, turned to the bookmarked page and began to read. An hour later, he was asleep, truly asleep and probably would stay that way for the rest of the night.

Placing the book back down on the nightstand, she rose and stretched her back. She needed to visit the water closet and hopefully bum some coffee of the night duty nurse. Though he would most likely not wake, she didn’t want to take the chance on it and miss out on any of his waking hours. She already missed out on more than she wanted.

Of course, their separation had been his choice, not hers and it was he who had promised her much but delivered nothing. But it didn’t change anything. He was her responsibility and whether he knew of or appreciated what she was doing, made little difference.

After using the water closet and washing her face and hands, Kitty made her way down the hall of the small hospital to the area the nurses and doctors used as their sanctuary away from the needs of their patients. Teresa was the only one inside and she smiled happily when Kitty poked her head in.

“Miss Russell. Good to see you. Come for some coffee?” Her brown eyes narrowed a little as she watched Kitty enter the room. The woman0 looked exhausted and Teresa was as concerned for her as for her patient.

Teresa was a young novice from the Sisters of Mercy who worked the night shift at the hospital. Though only twenty two and still innocent in so many ways, she had proven to be a capable and compassionate nurse and a willing ear for those needing solace. She had offered that to the beautiful red head but so far, Kitty had declined to take her up on it.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind.” Kitty returned the smile as she moved over to the small stove in the corner.

“How’s he doing tonight?” Teresa asked and then added. “How are you doing?”

Kitty shrugged. “Okay, I guess. He’s sleeping right now so I thought I’d slip out for a few minutes.”

“Why don’t you go back to your hotel and get some sleep, Miss Russell?” Teresa knew even as she suggested it that Kitty Russell would reject the idea. “I’m here and you know I’ll take good care of him.”

Kitty offered her a grateful smile before shaking her head. “No, I’m fine, really. I… It’s just…” She sighed deeply. “I need to be here.” She finally looked at the young woman before her. “We’ve missed so much time between us, I don’t want to miss what little is left.”

Teresa nodded. “I understand. But you need to take care of yourself as well. I doubt you’ve had more than a few hours’ sleep in the two weeks you’ve been here.”

Kitty dropped her eyes to the cup she held and took another drink of it before heading to the door. “I’ll be fine.” She said.

“Well,” Teresa sighed. “Can’t say I didn’t try.” As Kitty opened the door to leave she called out again. “Oh? I almost forgot. We’re going to serve the meal in the main lobby tomorrow around noon, if you’d like to come. I’d be glad to go down and sit with him while you come and eat.”

“Meal?” Kitty looked at her questionably. “For what?”

“Thanksgiving.” Teresa answered. “Guess with what all you have on your mind, it must’ve slipped past you.”

“Yeah, I guess it did.” Kitty ticked her head. “Well, I’ll see about tomorrow, tomorrow. Right now, I need to get to get back. Thanks for the coffee and the invitation. I appreciate it.”

Teresa silently watched her leave, wishing there was something she could do for the woman besides offer her a free meal. But she knew any help or solace would have to come from someone else, someone on a much higher level.

As Kitty retraced her steps to his room, she shook her head.

Thanksgiving. She’d forgotten all about it.

Truthfully, she’d forgotten about a lot of things when she received the wire stating that he needed her. Well, it didn’t matter. Tomorrow, no matter what title applied to it, was just another day. Still, she wished…

Forcing her mind from such thoughts, she squared her shoulders and took a deep breath before opening the door and going back into his room. He was still asleep and probably wouldn’t have noticed the pain on her face if he wasn’t, but she still didn’t wish to show it.

Sitting down in the chair beside his bed, she looked back over at his pale gaunt form, the word ‘Thanksgiving’ still playing on her mind. The last time she’d seen him, so many years ago, she was sure she’d never see him again and never want to. He had hurt her in a way no one else ever had or ever could.

Back then, she’d given thanks that he was out of her life for good. But as the years passed, now and then, she regretted that and wished she’d had just one more chance to see him. Just one more opportunity to explore their relationship and see where it would’ve led. But pride kept her from searching for him, well pride and something, or at least someone, else anyway.

And of course, he hadn’t made any effort to reconnect with her either over the years and he knew exactly where she was without having to search.

“We’ve missed so much.” She whispered to him, swallowing back the threatening tears. “So many Thanksgivings and Christmas’s and birthdays and…” She dropped her head. “I wish things had of been different, ya know. I really do. I wish you had of been different. Maybe even that I had of been. I…”

Her voice faltered. Right then, her most urgent wish was that she wasn’t so alone, sitting vigil over a dying man who barely knew she was there. Though no stranger to responsibility or loneliness, and quite used to handling difficult situations on her own, she was still astounded at the enormity of this solitary undertaking.

When her mother had died she’d been but a child and other people had come in and taken care of all the things that needed doing. Though it had been brief, she had been allowed at least a brief amount of time to grieve and deal with her loss.

But now, she knew, she’d not be allowed that time until much later and then only in the privacy of her rooms where no one could see or hear. Wearily, she ran a hand over her face and took a deep breath as she wriggled around a little in the chair, trying for, if not a comfortable position, at least a little less uncomfortable one.

But just as she settled, he moaned slightly and restlessly thrashed his head for a couple of moments before settling down again. Kitty pushed herself back up and reached over, checking his temperature and breathing. He was a little warmer now and his breathing was more labored. The doctor had warned her of this and gave it as an indication of the end.

There was a small bowl with some cool water next to the bed and cloth next to that. Picking up the cloth, Kitty dipped it in the water and then gently wiped his face and chest. If he felt her ministrations, he gave no sign of it.

That word pushed its way into her thoughts again. What could she possibly have to be thankful for, she wondered?

Seeing a man die, knowing you can do nothing about it? Or maybe, knowing that you were spending more time with him in his dying than you ever got to do in his living. Was she thankful that she could be there to watch him wither away like grass without water? Or maybe that she would be the one solely responsible for seeing him buried and his meager belongings disposed of when he did die. Should she be thankful that she would be alive to watch as they lowered his body into a cold grave with no one but her to mourn his passing?

Perhaps she should be thankful for the lonesome responsibility and burdens placed on her by not only this man’s death, but by the decisions he’d made regarding her when he was alive and vital?

The awesome weight on her shoulders was heavier than ever and for the foreseeable future, she saw no rest or solace or place to lay it down. In the ten days she’d been there, she’d had little rest and little comfort and though she’d rented a hotel room, she was basically paying for a place for her luggage to sit as she spent most of her time there with him, watching him die.

“Oh, Matt.” She sighed, not for the first time. “Oh, how I need you.”

“I’m here, Kitty.” His deep voice spoke quietly from the doorway and for a moment, she wasn’t sure if it was really him or just her exhausted mind playing tricks on her. Two swift strides across the room and she had her answer as he smoothly reached down and pulled her up into his arms, holding her tightly against his chest. “I came as soon as I got back and heard about this.” He whispered.

Kitty didn’t reply as she buried herself against him, holding tightly to the only lifeline she’d ever really known or really wanted right then. For a long stretch of time, they stood as they were, he holding her up and she finally allowing herself a few moments of comfort in the arms of the man she loved.

When she finally pulled away and looked up at him, he noticed the tears shimmering in her eyes and silently, he bent down and picked her up, heading for the door.

“What… no… no, Matt…” She protested.

“Hush.” He whispered. “I’ve already made arrangements. One of the sisters is going to come here and stay with your father for the rest of the night and you and I are going back to the hotel.”

Kitty reached up and pulled his head down to hers for a kiss before pushing away. “I’ll let you take me back to the hotel, but you have to allow me to walk. I’m tired not an invalid.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” He offered her a slow smile as he sat her back down but kept hold of her arm. She didn’t look any too steady on her feet. He could tell she’d lost weight and probably hadn’t had any sleep for a long while.

Silently, the two traversed the halls of the charity hospital run by the Sisters of Mercy and out onto the quiet midnight streets of New Orleans. Words weren’t needed as they walked down to the hostelry that Kitty had checked into.

When they approached the entrance, Kitty looked up at him curiously. “How’d you know where I was staying?”

Matt grinned. “Same way I knew where you were in the first place. Doc. He lit into me the minute I got back to Dodge.”

Kitty shook her head, remembering that she’d wired that information to him when she’d first arrived. “I suppose you know what room I’m in too?” She arched a brow with the beginnings of the first smile she’d worn in close to two weeks.

“You mean the room, we’re staying in?” He answered as he led her inside and upstairs. “I told the clerk I was your husband. He gave me a key.” Kitty merely shook her head with a smile.

Once inside the room, Matt gently led Kitty to the bed and sat her down then turned to the bureau. “I stopped by the Long Branch before I left town.” He told her as he reached into a drawer and pulled out a bottle of her finest whiskey. “Thought we might need this.”

Kitty nodded, quietly watching as he stepped back to her with the bottle in hand. The whiskey was welcome but not as much as he was.

“Don’t have any glasses, but I guess it doesn’t matter.” He removed the cork and handed her the bottle, holding it while she took a sip. Taking a pull off of it himself, he replaced the cork and sat it down on the bedside table. As soon as his hands were empty, he reached over and wordlessly pulled her back into his embrace. “Want to tell me?”

“Not right now.” She answered as she clung to him. “Right now, I just need you to hold me.”

Matt merely nodded, as he rocked her like a child until she fell asleep against him. He then, gently, picked her up and laid her down on the bed, pulling her shoes off and then his own, along with his gunbelt and vest, he removed nothing more before climbing in beside her and pulling her again into his arms, where he too closed his eyes in rest.

Early the next morning, Matt woke just before dawn and rolled over to find the bed empty and cold. Kitty had already gotten up and left. It didn’t take a detective to know where she’d gone. Quickly as he could, Matt got up, dressed and retraced his steps to the hospital. Kitty had already dealt with enough on her own, he wasn’t about to let her deal with anymore.

He found her sitting beside her father, gently running a wet cloth over his forehead and chest. She looked up when he entered but quickly returned her gaze to her father. “He’s running a temperature.” She said. “I’m trying to get it down.”

“You should’ve woken me.” He came fully into the room and over to her side.

“No,” she sighed. “He’s not your responsibility. Besides, you needed to rest. The train trip here from Dodge is kinda tiring.”

Reaching down, Matt took the cloth from her hand and gently pulled her to her feet, motioning to the chair. “Sit down; let me tend to him for a while.”

“Matt…”

“Sit.” He said gently, yet sternly.

Closing her mouth to any further protest, Kitty took the chair and leaned back against its unforgiving surface, silently watching Matt as he gingerly sat beside her father and took up where she’d left off. “When I got here, Teresa said that his temperature spiked not long after I left and hasn’t gone down.” She told him. “Doctor said that… it’s… well…”

“Yeah,” Matt nodded. He knew what it meant. Carefully wiping the man’s fevered brow one more time, Matt looked over at Kitty. “You don’t have to stay in here if you don’t want. I’ll stay with him.”

Kitty instantly shook her head. “He’s my father. He’s mine to take care of.”

“N… no.” The withered man in the bed opened his bloodshot eyes and turned his head, focusing for the first time in days on his daughter’s lovely face. “No… Kit…ty.” He managed to raise a hand to Matt’s and push it away. “You… you don’t have…”

“We’re not here because we have to.” Matt answered with a glance at Kitty’s pale features. “She doesn’t owe you anything. That’s not what this is about.”

Wayne Russell summoned all the strength left in his frail body and pushed him self a little bit further up in the bed. His time was near and he knew it but before he went, he had something to say. Something many years past due.

“Kit…ty.” He swallowed hard, panting from the exertion.

Kitty got up and moved quickly to his side, gently urging him to lie back down. “It’s okay.” She shook her head. “It’s alright, Father. Please, just lie back there and rest. It’ll be okay.”

But he shook his head and grabbed her hand with a surprising strength for one so far gone. Locking eyes with her, he brought her hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss there. “I… I want… you… to know, I’m sorry.” He managed. “I… wronged you. Wi… will you… for…give me?”

Kitty nodded, tears shimmering in the corners of her eyes. “Of course.” She whispered.

Wayne smiled with gratitude, never relinquishing her hand. “I… love you, Kathleen.” He sighed. “I didn’t… didn’t know how… show you.” He took a breath. “But… I love… you. Thank you for being… here.” Closing his eyes, Wayne Russell’s grasp on her hand and his life slipped and then was lost completely.

For several long moments, neither Kitty nor Matt moved as they watched death claim Wayne Russell. Too stunned and weary to cry and yet wanting to do nothing more, Kitty finally turned and buried her head in Matt’s chest when he moved up behind her, gently enveloping her in his arms.

“I’ll make the arrangements, Kitty.” Matt whispered. “You go on back to the hotel and…”

Kitty pulled away, shaking her head. “No. I will. I… I have to do this, Matt. He…” She took a deep breath. “He was my father and I need to do it.”

“You don’t have to do it alone.” Matt pulled her back, laying a soft kiss on her forehead. “This is not something anyone should have to do alone.”

“Thank you.” She gratefully whispered.

With the help of Mother Celeste, who ran the hospital, arrangements were quickly made and before the day was out, Wayne Russell’s mortal remains were laid to rest in Sunrise Cemetery at dusk.

That evening, Kitty had declined the meal offered by the sisters and instead silently drank a cup of coffee while Matt ate. Her appetite had disappeared about the time she’d arrived in New Orleans and so far it hadn’t returned. Matt had offered her food from his plate, and though she’d taken a couple of bites, she couldn’t force herself to take more. Food had little taste.

Later, back at the hotel, Kitty lay curled up against Matt, relishing the warmth of his arms around her. The day had been long and tiring and she was worn out, emotionally as well as physically. She kept replaying the brief conversations she’d had with her father when she first got there and then his last words to her. “Thank you.”

“Hmmm?” Matt looked down at her with concern. She hadn’t talked much since the hasty funeral and he was worried about her.

Kitty shook her head. “My father.” She turned around in his arms to look at him. “He told me thank you.”

Matt nodded uncertainly, not sure where she was going. “He needed to. You did an awful lot for him, Kitty.”

“No.” She said softly. “He didn’t. I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life knowing I’d turned my back on him. Doesn’t matter what he did, it only matters what I did. Besides, in a way, I’m the one who should be thankful.”

Matt arched a brow. “You? Why?”

“For a lot of things.’ She shrugged. “For being able to spend time with him before it was too late. For the little bits of conversations we had before he got to where he couldn’t talk and for his acknowledging me and what I did.”

“Kitty,” he was trying not to show how angry that made him. “He owed you more than just an acknowledgement. He’s the one that abandoned you as a baby and he tried to cheat you out of your money when he came to Dodge several years ago. And he…”

Raising a hand to lips, she stopped him. “He fathered me, Matt. And he saw to it that I got to Panacea’s after my mother died, instead of stuck in some orphanage somewhere. But more than that, Matt. He didn’t coddle me, or make me a useless daddy’s girl. Because of what he did, I learned to be strong, and resilient. I learned to be the woman I am now. The woman...”

“The woman I love.” He whispered as he gently kissed her.

Kitty nodded. “Yes. Wayne Russell wouldn’t have won any awards for father of the year, but I’m thankful for him anyway. For what he didn’t do as well as what he did.”

Matt shook his head. “I understand, I guess. But I still don’t think you owe him any thanks.” Matt’s voice still had a slight edge to it and Kitty lightly touched his chest.

“I know. But I do, same way as I owe thanks to you.”

Matt frowned as he looked down at her. “Now, I don’t see. You putting me in the same category as your father?”

Kitty smiled as she nodded. “In a way but not like you think. My father helped me by not being there, by leaving me alone. You have too. You know there’s times you’ve stood back and let me handle problems on my own without any help from you.”

Matt ticked his head. “Yeah, that’s true. But that’s because I knew you could handle whatever it was. Anytime I didn’t, I stepped in.”

“Um hum, and that’s what I’m saying. You gave me the freedom to handle my own concerns and the security to know if I couldn’t, you would.” Kitty could tell he still wasn’t reassured.

“Matt,” she sighed. “What I mean is that I’m thankful my father forced me to be strong and that you allow me to use that strength without interference but you’re always willing to help me when my strength isn’t enough.”

Matt nodded finally. “I see. But I still wish you’d had it better than you did, had it easier.”

“I don’t.” Kitty said truthfully. “I’d probably still be living here and I wouldn’t have you.” She leaned up and kissed him deeply. “Matt,” she said when their lips parted. “If this has taught me anything, it’s taught me how much I have to be thankful for. I don’t have everything I want but I have everything I need and right now that is what’s most important.”

“Am I one of those needs, Kitty?” He asked quietly, anxiously watching her face.

“What do you think, Cowboy?” She asked returning the stare.

Matt absently ran a hand down her arm as he considered his answer. “I think I need you more than you do me, to be honest. I don’t say it much, Kitty. But I do need you. You smooth off my rough edges and fill a void that nothing and no one else ever could. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.”

Kitty smiled sweetly. “Then I guess we’ve both got a lot to be thankful for, huh?”

Matt nodded as he pulled her to him. “Happy Thanksgiving, Kitty.”

“You too, Cowboy.”

The End


End file.
